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Food Variety and Freddy Feta

September 12, 2000
Note: feta cheese is not included on the diet

If you're going to follow the SCD, one of the mistakes is not eating a healthy variety of food. To illustrate the potential danger of eating too much of one thing, I've shamelessly posted the "poem" below. Worthy of an Honorable Mention ribbon in a 2nd grade poetry contest, I present to you: "Cheese Boy".

Cheese Boy - The Ballad of Freddy Feta

Mr.Tyros, the science teacher stood up, looking quite old,
His hand clung to a handkerchief because of his cold.

He begin class with a question that day,
He asked "From what are our bodies mostly made?"

None of the kids spoke, time started to lag,
Mr. Tyros tapped his foot and wished for a drag

Finally he said, "We're mostly water!", and let out a sneeze
But someone shouted, "Not Freddy Feta, he's mostly cheese!"

The other kids knew the shouter was right--
Freddy wasn't water, his teeth were too bright.

Scientists would startle at Freddy's body transition,
For their instruments would find a cheese composition.

It took Freddy until grade five to accomplish this feat,
His secret was to plan the times he would eat

Each day his morning began,
With nine fresh eggs fried in a pan.

But before Freddy sat down and ate
He put two pounds of hot cheese on the plate

Cheese melted on tasted so good,
He was the happiest kid in the neighborhood.

By 10am his stomach started to grumble,
So he ate mozzarella sticks to quell the rumble.

At lunchtime his stomach felt empty once more,
So he ate grilled cheese sandwiches, at least 24!

For most, this much cheese would be enough,
But before school ended, Freddy ate more cheese stuff

Under his desk, away from the teacher's view
He ate cheddar slices, he didn't even chew.

His body needed cheese more than water and air,
Other kids laughed, but Freddy didn't care

His friend's mother would shake her head,
And tell her kids, "Don't eat like Fred!"

But Freddy continued his feedings, rarely changing the fare
At night he ate cheese and spaghetti (usually angel hair).

During the glories of each cheese filled day
He never thought about going outside to play

Why waste my strength and run outside
When there's cheese I haven't even tried!

He used to have nightmares and wanted to cry,
Becuase he would dream he saw a giant cheese pie.

But when he ran to the pie it kept moving back,
A man held Freddy with a rope, giving no slack

The nightmares ended when Fred took his birthday cash
And used it all to start a secret cheese stash.

Now each night he could sleep in peace,
Knowing there was cheese within his reach.

(What will happen to little Fred
Who sleeps with cheese under his bed?)


School's out so on his bike he flies,
Hoping for a cheese surprise

He rides to where his stomach calls.
The cheese shop in the corner of the mall.

Passing by the meat shop and the bakery on his way,
Freddy walks in and asks "What do you have today?"

Mr. Brie, the owner, says, "I have a special cheese
I keep it locked in the back and safe from thieves.

Not only does it taste supreme,
It contains a special protein

It'll make you faster, stronger, tall
Just come each day to my shop in the mall.

Eat this small piece and you'll see
You can be whatever you want to be!"

Freddy sniffed the sample, turned it around
His inspection complete, he slurped it down

Mr. Brie's eyes became small and stealthy,
"If all people ate like you, I'd be wealthy "

Yes Freddy, my boy, you're a special case,
Come back anytime you want cheese to taste.

So Freddy Feta came by happily each day,
To eat free cheese while the morning faded away.

Mr. Brie let Freddy eat cheese from throughout the world,
Including one with a purple swirl!

In a few weeks Freddy tried them all,
And soon his clothes became too small.

Freddy became so heavy on his feet
Even Mrs. Feta saw it was too much cheese to eat

Freddy didn't notice how heavy he'd become
Until a mean dog caused him to run.

It happened only two blocks from home
The dog saw Freddy as a giant bone

Although Freddy ran just as fast as he could
The dog's quickening steps told him it was no good.

But luckily he saw Mr. Brie standing up ahead.
Freddy called for help and Mr. Brie nodded his head.

Now it was peculiar and more than a little strange
Mr. Brie had parked his panel truck in Freddy's running range.

Mr. Brie lowered the ramp and said "Run, Freddy! Run!"
"Get into the truck, I'll close the door so the dog can't come!"

Unfortunately, little Freddy tripped and tumbled hard
But he didn't feel pain and could see the neighbor's yard

However, the yard appeared upside down,
What was this thought Freddy, as the world spun around!

There's no pain and I'm certainly not dead,
Maybe I've really bumped my head.

But the truth was much darker than that,
The dog belonged to Mr. Brie, the truck was a trap!

Mr. Brie didn't give Freddy free cheese to be nice,
Indeed he cheese came with an exorbitant price.

As he fell down, Freddy did not even feel,
When his body turned into a giant cheese wheel!

He rolled right up into the back of the truck
Mr. Brie closed the door and Freddy ran out of luck.

Within an hour Freddy found himself tied up and bound.
He hung from the cheese-shop ceiling upside down.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry
But then a grinning Mr. Brie came by.

"My little Freddy, don't look so pale
After a few weeks, I'll put you up for sale

You should be proud of your sacrifice
Once you age you'll taste very nice

You'll be served as part of a fine meal
Even the governor would kill for such a cheese wheel."

As Freddy cried and one tear did roll
He watched in terror as it made a hole

What kind of cheese am I, a Swiss?
Life wasn't supposed to be like this!

Mr. Brie laughed and said that's the way
The more you cry, the faster you'll age.

The next morning Freddy hung watching,
While Brie worked with his big knife chopping

As big cheese pieces became little squares,
Mr. Brie laughed, "Why Freddy, you look scared!"

Mr. Brie walked over and said I'm not that crass
I'll turn you around so you can look through the glass

Just watch the people as they go to shop
You'll soon sleep forever and won't feel the chop

But Freddy, cheese though he'd become
Still held hope for a rescuer, someone!

The bell jingled as someone stepped in,
It was his mom looking for him!

But his hope slipped away as he heard Brie's soothing voice.
Freddy's a fine boy, a great one, my son if I had a choice!

What has happened, you say that he's lost!
I saw him yesterday and gave him cheese at no cost.

If you can't find him, I'll help look around,
I know almost every inch of this town.

Mrs. Feta cried and said Thanks for you concern
But I've also talked to Chief of Police Rayburn.

He said his men are starting to look
And he promised to find the crook!"

After his mom left, Freddy looked glum.
But after a while he recognized someone.

In the butcher store across the way
A ham hock blinked, clear as day.

Freddy watched the ham hock, his eyes glued
Then their eyes met--another classmate turned to food!

He could tell by the eyes as the ham hock did sob,
It was a boy from his class, the chubby Bob Kabob!

Bob Kabob was a heavy meat eating fella
He ate more meat than Freddy did mozzarella

Burgers, chickens, and steaks, grilled, fried and Cajun.
Bob Kabob's greedy appetite put him in this situation.

As Freddy and Bob communicated with eye motions and a wink
They realized their lives weren't the only ones on the brink

When Bob Kabob motioned to the bakery with his eyes
Freddy followed his glance for another surprise.

Startled, Freddy thought Oh! Could it be?
I think that bread loaf is looking at me.

In the bakery window sat a bread that felt low,
By and by, Freddy realized, it was Sammy Sourdough!

Another boy from his class, the one that ate more bread than most,
French, white, wheat, and whole rye usually made into toast.

There they were: Feta, Kabob, and Sourdough
All wondering how life had dealt such a blow.

The sun rose and set, the days growing old,
They knew, they all soon would be sold

The baker, the butcher, and Mr. Brie
Would sharpen their knives and slice up all three

But then Sammy began blinking,
Signaling, Hey, don't you see!

They watched as a woman walked up, as trim as could be
It was Ms. Primost, their health teacher from grade three!

Years ago, she'd met with each for an hour long
She'd warned them their habits were wrong

You Bob Kabob, Sammy, and Freddy, you too
Better vary your diets, I'm warning all of you!

They never listened and munched away,
That's why they stood on sale today.

As she walked by, to their surprise
Mr. Primost looked into their eyes

They watched with hope but it soon sank
She walked right by and went to the bank

But behold she came back!
With over $200 and a cloth sack.

To the baker, butcher, and cheeseman she went
At each shop, she bought a former student

Oh Bob, Sammy, & Freddy, what did you do?
Even I do not know how to rescue you!

There's no formula, or potion, or magic spell
Which can turn you back and make you feel well.

I don't know how to change your fate
But ham and cheese sandwiches always taste great!

Don't worry, as food you won't feel much
When I take you home and serve you for lunch

So it came, that they were doomed
She made them into sandwiches by noon

At 1 pm Ms. Primost decided to eat
She picked up a ham and cheese treat.

The last Freddy saw were sharp teeth and a tongue,
His mind yelled, "I don't want to die young!"

Freddy screamed and started to cry
He soon found his mother by his bedside

Mom, I had a dream which gave a terrible fright
His mom kissed him and said, "You'll be all right"

Mom, I don't want to be a cheese!
Feed me anything else, I beg you please!

So Freddy's cheese-eating ended before grade six,
If he looks at it now, he begins to feel sick.

When school started Freddy found
That he, Bob, and Sammy were somehow bound.

Each had the same dream, but what made it weird,
On all of their stomachs a big red mark appeared.

From the doctor, an answer they tried to get
But he said, "Maybe you were scratched by a pet"

But Ms. Primost and the boys knew the truth,
The red marks were from a giant tooth!